For those that do not know, August 19th 2014 is the Day of Hope. A day when we remember children and babies who are no longer with us. You can read about the Day of Hope on the following link.
In honour of this day, I asked my wonderful friend Leah to share her thoughts.
Five years ago I never imagined I would be taking part in this day. I was pregnant and, although I was mourning the loss of my Grandad, I was also feeling everything a pregnant woman should be feeling. I was excited, eager, bouncy and impatient. I couldn’t wait to be a mother for the first time. After suffering a miscarriage the year before, this baby meant the world to me. The chance to give birth to a beautiful little being that was all mine was all that overwhelmed me. Of course I felt fear too, I worried in the first few months that the past would repeat, that I would be left in agony again. And then as time went on, I worried (like a normal mother) that I wasn’t going to be good enough, that I didn’t really deserve this baby. Normal everyday pregnant feelings. Nothing too scary. Nothing compared to the fear I’ve felt since.
On the 8th Novemeber 2009 my beautiful Baby Girl joined us in the world. She was perfect, everything I had dreamed of and more. The best first moment had to be when her Daddy fell asleep and I took a couple of sneaky pictures of just me and my girl. She seemed to wave as though she knew her Mummy was going to send this picture to everyone she knew to show off! At that moment staring into the camera with my baby, I never imagined what could happen, what could go so wrong. I carried on in blissful ignorance, being a new mum. I never thought to take notice of anybody’s warnings or the leaflets they give out at the hospital when you have a new baby.
We had six of the best weeks of my life together. All of us as one little family.
And then came the evening of the 20th December 2009. Me and my girl were laid on the sofa, she was on my chest, snuggled, sleeping. Daddy had gone out and I was watching a film. The last nice thing I remember of that night was being snuggled with the one being I loved more than anything in this whole world. An hour later I woke up to a whole world crashing down around me.
My baby wasn’t breathing. She wouldn’t wake up.
Even now, I fill up when I think of how many times I just looked at her asking anybody around me‘why won’t she wake up?’
Phoebe Poppy left me that night, she was taken by SIDS. A syndrome I hadn’t taken any notice of. A syndrome that never entered into my head. A syndrome that not only took my little girl but it took my heart with it. A syndrome that has left me a completely different person than I was the day that Phoebe was born.
I live with the knowledge that I will never feel the same love I felt looking into her eyes again.
I cannot deny that Phoebe has taught me many things though. I certainly have a different understanding of life than most. And I now appreciate how strong I can be when it’s needed. I live without my little girl, my world, every single day. Every time I think of her my heart still feels as though it’s bleeding and cracking.
And because of that, I created my own group for women just like me, that have lost their little ones, and through my little girl I have made some beautiful friends. Friends that have suffered, that know how I feel without me having to say.
For that Phoebe, today I thank you. I hope you love your prayer flag that Mummy’s friend Louise has made you. It really is as Precious as you Mama’s Little Budda.. xx
Five years ago I never imagined I would be taking part in this day. Today I couldn’t imagine not. A day of remembrance and hope – Who doesn’t need this in their lives?!
To all other Mums and Dads out there who have known loss, I hope our Angels play safe in the sky. You all have my love and support and lots of huge healing hugs.
Leah has a Facebook Group – supporting others who have experienced the loss of a child through SIDS.
Precious Losses Through SIDS